I’ve been contemplating life a lot recently. Ever since the Christmas break I have been thinking about the decisions I have made, and I know people say every decision you make is meant to be, but I’m not so sure.  Looking back, there are a few different decisions that would have made my life very different:  1. If I hadn’t ended a relationship, I’d be married with children probably by now. Granted, I’m not even sure if I want marriage and children based on my current feelings.  2. If I hadn't based my career choices on what was best for me and someone else, rather on only what I wanted I would probably have had a career already. Sure, I'm training to be an accountant now but that's not where I ever saw my life heading.   There are things in my life I have zero control over but the above were two decisions I made which I think about every once in a while and wonder how my life would be if I had chosen differently at the time.  You’ll notice I say probably because...

Morning world,  I say morning world because based on statistics my blog is read all over the world. This literally makes me feel so amazing and you have to know I appreciate you all so much.  I do have a lot of things going on right now in my life which I have been wanting to share however I do not feel it’s appropriate based on what is going on in the world currently.  I am not belittling my own struggles and worries. You should never feel as if what you are going through isn’t valid because it seems small in comparison to other things, so please don’t. I’m simply just getting on with things as best I can and the need to write isn’t as strong as it has been right now. This is a positive thing, but I will be back with you soon.  Take care of yourself.  BCL says 

I've been having a hard time lately as you all know. This hard time has only gotten worse as I have not only got my own issues effecting me but also the issues within my family.  This post is going to be super short, I am currently sitting at work, feeling as if I want to cry. Sometimes a good ole cry is all you need to relieve the pressure you feel inside. We have the radio on at work typically, we have more recently opted for YouTube music as the radio is very tedious, repeating the same songs over and over, hearing the same dumb news every single hour. Today is Disney classics and my favourite song from Mulan came on, I'll make a man out of you. As I was singing along I felt the urge to cry again.  Even when I'm not having a hard time I cry to things like this all of the time.  I am truly a sensitive soul.  BCL says

Evening all, I’m ready for a new life right now, what about you?  Since Christmas I’ve been in a bit of a weird mindset which all of you are aware of. I’m not sure if the anxiety I was facing has now turned into something else. I don’t feel as if I’m depressed or sad, I just feel bored. I told someone special to me yesterday that I felt as if I wanted a new life and he asked me what kind of new life that would be. My answer was, I’d be living by the beach where I’d read and write most days on a hammock. Thinking about it now I’d also be drinking filter coffee and eating my favourite foods, absolute bliss.  Even writing it down here, right now is making me smile. What kind of new life do you sometimes dream of having I wonder? I’m pretty sure we all have those moments.  BCL says 

I don’t usually do book reviews but this is different. Sally Rooney has a habit of creating characters that infuriate you. When I read, I read to escape, uplift myself and so far beautiful world, where are you is not providing me with either of these things.  Sally Rooney is amazing, her writing is brilliant but it’s real. It’s too real to be read as a means of escape. I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way. I don’t read a lot of nonfiction and I know this book is fiction but to me, it doesn’t feel that way. That is the beauty of Sally Rooneys books, they get to you, they make you evaluate your own life and feelings.  Although I appreciate how brilliant the writing is and how well the stories are told I can’t help but feel glum and angry when I read this book. I really want to finish it, but I don’t know if I can without at least a short break.  Who am I kidding? I adore this book, I will finish it until the very end. Edited 20.01.2022  BCL says 

When I first encountered generalised anxiety disorder I was not sleeping and I was not eating. I was in a terrible state every night with my irrational thoughts keeping me awake.  Fast forward 6 years and I am experiencing sleepless nights again but because of my rational thoughts. My rational worries are keeping me awake as subconsciously I cannot shift them. I am not actively thinking about my concerns but my body and mind is reacting as if I am.  I never thought I would be back here again and even though the concerns are legitimate I am reliving that part of my life.  I am in a good mental state, for the most part and although I have had concerns and worries since coming off the medication this has not happened before now.  I really hope this improves soon as this is no way to function no matter the root cause.  BCL says

Firstly, Happy New Year all, I hope you had a good one. Secondly, have you noticed that I’ve written a fair few blog posts lately? I only write when I’m struggling.  Today I cried, things that stress me out were brought to the surface today and usually I can cope with it, today I couldn’t. Christmas and New Year is a weird time for me, the time off from my normal routine throws me out of whack and first I get bored, then I get irritable and then I get down. I’m not depressed, I’m in a state of mind where I feel strange and my routine keeps this weird state of mind at bay.  Mental health never truly goes away and it’s periods like this where I realise this and it does make me sad. I’m a lot better than I was and I am coping the best way I can but it’s still there, it always will be.  BCL says