If you read my blog you’ll be fully aware of my CIN2 diagnosis and the journey I had. Tomorrow is my first smear test since the LLETZ treatment and I’m terrified.  I’m not terrified because smear tests are very uncomfortable (to say the least), I’m terrified because of the trauma I experienced during treatment and recovery. Traumatic events in our lives, no matter how big or small, stay with us, and because of this we fear experiencing the same event more than once.  After my treatment it was confirmed all of my abnormal cells were removed, and granted this was great, I believe that if I get CIN2 again my body will probably respond in the same way. Knowing my body could not heal itself in this particular instance, terrifies me. Knowing that I faced complications during recovery, terrifies me. I will always be terrified, every time I get a smear test.  If you’re reading this, please wish me luck. Until the next time.  BCL says 

Dear loved one,   It sounds to me like you’re giving up. This is unacceptable. You are allowing yourself to be victimised when your mental state should be under your control. You need to get out of your own head and stop thinking purely of the negative. You need to realise that you have a beautiful family, a beautiful talent and that you are a beautiful soul. Medication isn’t the only way, you need to learn to manage your own mind. Medication is not the cure, it assists you in assisting yourself. But you’ve got to want to make the difference, you’ve got to want to beat the voices in your head. That’s on you not on anyone else. You need to help yourself because no one else can control your mind and your thoughts, it’s your mind, your brain, your body. The key words here are you and your. I did it, they did it, and so can you. When I have too much time on my hands I get down, I need to be distracted and have purpose. Please don’t give up, you are worthy and important always.  BCL says 

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and be a kid again? I’m sure most of us do as adulthood isn’t the best. Kids don’t realise how good they have it.  I’m currently on a packed train, it’s Sunday morning and I woke up in a mood. It’s led me to try to reminisce about my childhood, when I was carefree. Kids don’t get scared, they embrace life and I wish I could feel like that over and over again. Sure kids can be scared, sure they can get sad, but it’s not the same. They don’t have the worries or the responsibilities of an adult.  Maybe adults love being parents so much because they can relive their childhood through their children. I love that I have my own mind, I like the person I am but I do wonder what it would be like to be that carefree again.  Happy Sunday everyone <3