Evening all, I’m ready for a new life right now, what about you?  Since Christmas I’ve been in a bit of a weird mindset which all of you are aware of. I’m not sure if the anxiety I was facing has now turned into something else. I don’t feel as if I’m depressed or sad, I just feel bored. I told someone special to me yesterday that I felt as if I wanted a new life and he asked me what kind of new life that would be. My answer was, I’d be living by the beach where I’d read and write most days on a hammock. Thinking about it now I’d also be drinking filter coffee and eating my favourite foods, absolute bliss.  Even writing it down here, right now is making me smile. What kind of new life do you sometimes dream of having I wonder? I’m pretty sure we all have those moments.  BCL says 

I don’t usually do book reviews but this is different. Sally Rooney has a habit of creating characters that infuriate you. When I read, I read to escape, uplift myself and so far beautiful world, where are you is not providing me with either of these things.  Sally Rooney is amazing, her writing is brilliant but it’s real. It’s too real to be read as a means of escape. I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way. I don’t read a lot of nonfiction and I know this book is fiction but to me, it doesn’t feel that way. That is the beauty of Sally Rooneys books, they get to you, they make you evaluate your own life and feelings.  Although I appreciate how brilliant the writing is and how well the stories are told I can’t help but feel glum and angry when I read this book. I really want to finish it, but I don’t know if I can without at least a short break.  Who am I kidding? I adore this book, I will finish it until the very end. Edited 20.01.2022  BCL says 

When I first encountered generalised anxiety disorder I was not sleeping and I was not eating. I was in a terrible state every night with my irrational thoughts keeping me awake.  Fast forward 6 years and I am experiencing sleepless nights again but because of my rational thoughts. My rational worries are keeping me awake as subconsciously I cannot shift them. I am not actively thinking about my concerns but my body and mind is reacting as if I am.  I never thought I would be back here again and even though the concerns are legitimate I am reliving that part of my life.  I am in a good mental state, for the most part and although I have had concerns and worries since coming off the medication this has not happened before now.  I really hope this improves soon as this is no way to function no matter the root cause.  BCL says

Firstly, Happy New Year all, I hope you had a good one. Secondly, have you noticed that I’ve written a fair few blog posts lately? I only write when I’m struggling.  Today I cried, things that stress me out were brought to the surface today and usually I can cope with it, today I couldn’t. Christmas and New Year is a weird time for me, the time off from my normal routine throws me out of whack and first I get bored, then I get irritable and then I get down. I’m not depressed, I’m in a state of mind where I feel strange and my routine keeps this weird state of mind at bay.  Mental health never truly goes away and it’s periods like this where I realise this and it does make me sad. I’m a lot better than I was and I am coping the best way I can but it’s still there, it always will be.  BCL says

If you read my blog you’ll be fully aware of my CIN2 diagnosis and the journey I had. Tomorrow is my first smear test since the LLETZ treatment and I’m terrified.  I’m not terrified because smear tests are very uncomfortable (to say the least), I’m terrified because of the trauma I experienced during treatment and recovery. Traumatic events in our lives, no matter how big or small, stay with us, and because of this we fear experiencing the same event more than once.  After my treatment it was confirmed all of my abnormal cells were removed, and granted this was great, I believe that if I get CIN2 again my body will probably respond in the same way. Knowing my body could not heal itself in this particular instance, terrifies me. Knowing that I faced complications during recovery, terrifies me. I will always be terrified, every time I get a smear test.  If you’re reading this, please wish me luck. Until the next time.  BCL says 

Dear loved one,   It sounds to me like you’re giving up. This is unacceptable. You are allowing yourself to be victimised when your mental state should be under your control. You need to get out of your own head and stop thinking purely of the negative. You need to realise that you have a beautiful family, a beautiful talent and that you are a beautiful soul. Medication isn’t the only way, you need to learn to manage your own mind. Medication is not the cure, it assists you in assisting yourself. But you’ve got to want to make the difference, you’ve got to want to beat the voices in your head. That’s on you not on anyone else. You need to help yourself because no one else can control your mind and your thoughts, it’s your mind, your brain, your body. The key words here are you and your. I did it, they did it, and so can you. When I have too much time on my hands I get down, I need to be distracted and have purpose. Please don’t give up, you are worthy and important always.  BC...

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and be a kid again? I’m sure most of us do as adulthood isn’t the best. Kids don’t realise how good they have it.  I’m currently on a packed train, it’s Sunday morning and I woke up in a mood. It’s led me to try to reminisce about my childhood, when I was carefree. Kids don’t get scared, they embrace life and I wish I could feel like that over and over again. Sure kids can be scared, sure they can get sad, but it’s not the same. They don’t have the worries or the responsibilities of an adult.  Maybe adults love being parents so much because they can relive their childhood through their children. I love that I have my own mind, I like the person I am but I do wonder what it would be like to be that carefree again.  Happy Sunday everyone <3