As you are all aware I was hit by a car in June. This was not the only difficult thing I’ve experienced in life and you do get to a certain point of reflection where you wonder what would have happened if you had died.
I’m not suicidal I’m just unsure if life is truly worth living when so much is out of our control and the people who control it don’t care about you. Every single person is just seen as a number in the wheel to pay for the luxury of being alive. Even if you’re not having a good time you still have to pay for the privilege to survive.
If you don’t pay your way, you are worth nothing to the powers that be. I’m struggling with my recovery and yet I’m being forced to find a new job as soon as possible because how dare the powers that be have to pay my rent for me whilst I get over a trauma that almost cost me my life. They don’t care, I almost died yet because I didn’t, all they care about is when I’ll be working next in order to pay into the system.
The landlord who has let me live in my flat for 7 years almost, as soon as I can’t pay, they’ll just expect me to leave and they’ll find someone else who can pay to live here.
How has the world become so careless with zero empathy. How is it that all people care about is money and how much of that money you can give to them. The only currency in the world that matters is money, you can’t survive on love or friendship.
We are all insignificant to the powers that be, the only people we hold significance for are those who love us and even that feeling, of being loved doesn’t keep a roof over your head or food on your plate. Don’t get me wrong, I love and I’m loved and this matters I’m not saying it doesn’t. We need love and friendship and all of these things but we can’t survive in this world with these things alone, we’re not allowed to.
Loving and being loved makes the world easier to tolerate, but that toleration can hit a wall and that wall for me is today. It’s hard to keep going, when you realise and accept that the people who hold your security in their hands do not give a shit about your personal life or circumstances. You are only worthwhile if you’re useful, as soon as you’re not they don’t care about you.
If I had died in that accident the reaction would have been different, it would have mattered. Because I survived it doesn’t. And because it doesn’t matter, I’m expected to just get back to normal as soon as possible because until I do, I’m useless and if I’m useless, they couldn’t care less if I end up being homeless.
This is a harsh reality that I’ve known and understood about the world even before I had the accident and yet I’ve tried my best to remain optimistic for the small things in life. But even those small things that usually bring me joy can also take a backseat in my mind.
I think sometimes acceptance even if it’s accepting something as horrific as the realities I just mentioned are the only way to push you to keep going. Accepting reality is sometimes the only way to help because at least then you won’t mourn the life you wish you had or think you deserve. Because what’s the alternative?
Some people are dealt better cards in life than others, sure every single person will have bad days, they’ll have bad luck but some people will consistently have bad luck for no good reason whatsoever even if they make all the right choices.
Being a human is hard, it’s hard and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t secretly wish I was something else.
BCL says
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