Hi all,
I don’t know if anyone still reads this blog but it’s a platform that I created not to be read but to be written.
Life threw a curveball at me this year, a horrible and nasty curveball. I was hit by a car and I’m now recovering from concussion, a head wound and the trauma of the experience.
I was feeling quite optimistic about things before the accident, I had just started a new role, me and my boyfriend had decided to move in together next year. A few things to be excited about.
The accident was on the 19th June and this was only a month into my new role which has well and truly made me feel awful. It’s not my fault that I was in an accident but I always feel guilt when I cannot fulfil my duties. I don’t think the guilt stems from letting people down although I do have a sense of that feeling whenever I’m off sick but I think it’s because I need to keep a job. I am not in a position where I can be unemployed and I think that’s where the sense of guilt comes from. If I am sick, or if I make too many mistakes etc I’ll lose my job which is an impossible situation for me.
The fear of putting myself in a position to let people down is very overwhelming right now. I also feel guilt in my personal life. I am in recovery and that requires care by my sister and my boyfriend, I cannot travel on a bus by myself, I haven’t even attempted a train. I can walk short distances by myself but I’m anxious the entire time.
I feel I’m an inconvenience right now to a lot of people, obviously they do not see it that way or make me feel that way but it’s how I feel about myself. I’m super independent and I hate relying on others for basic things and it’s only the third week after the accident and I’m really struggling. I am really struggling to accept this as my new reality and today was a bad day.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read this if you do. I know I’m not alone in the world with how I’m feeling or what I’ve been through and it just helps to write things down.
BCL says
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